An Anniversary

The cold weather came pretty quickly this year. At the beginning of the month I knew it was already time to go through Samuel's winter clothes to see what would fit.

As we piled up shirt after shirt I came to one that stopped me in my tracks. For some seemingly morbid reason I felt the need to put it on him. And then I cried. Our box of hand-me-downs contained a staunch reminder of the worst day of my life. It was the shirt my Samuel wore the day of his accident.

I have a terrible need to put some things "down on paper", and for some reason I also want to share them with someone. I really wanted to do something to mark this occasion for him. I wanted him to see what God has done in his life, but he's a little too young to relive all this yet so I'm just purging all my pent-up feelings here.

To my friends who have lost their little ones, you may not want to "go there" with me. That's okay, I understand. I'm so sorry the ending to your baby's story didn't turn out the same as Samuel's. By God's grace we'll all share in the same eternal ending. 

I knew Samuel was special from the start. It wasn't long after I was married that I quit using birth control. It didn't work well with my hormones so we decided it best to just trust God's timing for having a baby. Of course, if everything's functioning normally, a baby should eventually be in the picture. As month after month passed, Satan whispered in my ear how I had cursed my own womb. I had been so enthralled with adoption when I was a kid that I had always said I didn't need "children of my own. I would be perfectly happy adopting." As I grew in God, I learned the power that words have and - you know the Father of Lies - he knows how to play on your weaknesses, even using Godly knowledge to manipulate your emotions! I'm not doing the math now, but it had at least been a couple years since I had done anything to prevent myself from having a baby, so why wasn't I pregnant yet? God gently spoke to me to stop listening to that devil. Later that day hubby and I made an official decision to actually "start trying", and lo and behold I was already a few days pregnant (I have done that math). Samuel was conceived first in the heart of God, and in His perfect plan He whispered into our ears that "now is the time". Obviously, God had a great plan for this one!

Fast forward two years to November 14th. My guys were napping at the house. I had run to the store, and when I returned home someone was parked blocking our driveway. We had a vehicle for sale, and they had briefly pulled in to check it out. I decided to park just off the road, we could move the truck later. I spoke with the interested buyer, and when the guys woke up they came out to join us. He decided to take it for a test drive. While he was gone we thought to tidy up the front porch since it was littered with baby gear. 

Noe jotted over to the truck to back into the driveway, and I grabbed the stroller to pop it in the trunk of the car. Samuel was at the trunk with me. And then he wasn't. I heard a car honk and turned around to see Samuel rolling. On the ground. Under the truck. All the way under. As soon as I screamed Noe knew what had happened. Have you ever had a nightmare about something bad happening to your helpless baby? That doesn't hold a candle to it actually happening. Take that feeling of waking up from a dream that felt so real you woke up sobbing and multiply it by 10...or 100. That may begin to describe terror. 

Blood was spilling from my son's head and ear. Do I hold him up? Do I lay him down? The only thing to press up against his head is a towel used to dry a dog house that had just been cleaned. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. That was the name that escaped my mouth as we sped to the hospital. My stomach is turning just typing through the memory. 

At the hospital there was screaming for doors to be opened, hoping that they realize that my son needs immediate attention and not a temperature taken while a photocopy of our insurance card is made. Too many people surrounded Samuel for me to even fit in the room where they led us so I left. I asked a nurse if he was going to be okay, and she wouldn't say anything. I begged her just to lie and tell me everything would be fine, but she wouldn't. My hope is still in Christ, but tragedies happen all the time. His blood started to dry on my clothes, and all I wanted to do was take them off. I could barely write down my mom's phone number for the receptionist to call. I asked her to tell my mom what happened so I wouldn't have to say it out loud yet, but she couldn't do it. She just told her to come right away. Mom called everyone. 

I was pregnant so Noe went alone with him for X-rays. My poor baby.

The police officer and chaplain met with me to find out what happened, and then friends and family started showing up at the hospital. A doctor quickly tells me that life-flight has been called for him - they won't take any chances with children, but he'll also have to travel alone. 

Finally, the peace of God rises from my spirit. I don't need to finish watching the helicopter take off. I'm ready to go home, grab a shirt and rush to Houston to meet my baby. From there on out there were nerves and health scares, but oh, how the peace of God surpasses all understanding. 

When we arrived at the hospital Samweli was somewhat alert and watching a movie they had set up right above his face. He was so excited he had ridden in a helicopter! His uncle and aunt had been close by already so they were waiting on him as soon as he arrived. Other friends actually beat us to the waiting room. We got reports of lacerations, multiple fractures to the skull, more scans and x-rays needed. 

I don't know if God gave Samweli his big head just to protect him in this situation (if you know us well, you know we've always joked about his big head) or maybe he was protected from serious injury during the accident. I feel like believing that he was healed in our truck on the way to the hospital. 

When we call on the name of Jesus, we. are. saved. 

His injuries were so minimal that, had he not been a young child, they would've forgone the general anesthesia and surgery to strap him down and sew him up right there in the ER. We initially spent about 24 hours in that hospital before we were discharged. We landed back in the hospital less than a week later, but his neurosurgeon just wanted to keep him under observation for safety's sake. We left the hospital for the last time on Thanksgiving Day. 

After being run over by a truck Samuel's notable injuries were:  a laceration to his head, a break in one of his ear bones (the best kind of break you can have), and a break in his skull (with no shifting that meant no surgery was required). 

Last Year                                        Today

I'm so thankful for God's mercy. 

If you remember anything I said during the days surrounding this terrible accident, I hope it is that.

Because God is good no matter if Samweli lived or died. 

Because God has a plan for all his little ones, even those whose lives come to an end way to early. 

Because God encamps his angels around all those he loves and cares for. 

I celebrate today because God is merciful. What the devil meant to use for my son's destruction, God has used for his good. 

Nursing Mama Projects

Are you breastfeeding or planning to breastfeed your baby? This week I've done a few super-fun, super-easy projects that are just for the nursing mama.

Since before Cassidy was born, I've been eyeing these very awesome nursing tanks. Being the cheap person I am though, I didn't want to pay $25 for 1 nursing top - especially living in Texas where you sweat in the summer and need a serious full change of clothes everyday! I knew there had to be another solution that I could do myself. I found quite a few funny tutorials online about how to keep all your stomach flab hidden while nursing. A nursing cover really only makes sure your chest stays covered and (regardless of how skinny you are) after having a c-section you're bound to have some lumps and bumps all over your tummy for quite a while during your post-partum adjustment. Back to the point, I came across this tutorial from RefashionMama. Amazing. It taught me how to take my 3 Worthington tank tops that I already love (which, by the way, were only $8 each on sale) and with 5 minutes, a couple snips and a few stitches make them into nursing tops that actually work for me.

Her tutorial is near perfect, so check it out (it's linked to her name above). Here are some snapshots of my tops and the few little tips that would've made her directions even better for me!

1) See the brown tank (at the top)? That was my first loop. I did it backwards. In the tutorial, she has you turn your shirt inside out,
so I suggest turning it right-side out and double checking that you're sewing your loop the correct way.
2) I also think the ones that are more loopy (like the black one on the bottom) will work better. You can sew it so that it's more of a loop.
My straps preferred to lay themselves one on top of the other so I had to work a little to get it stay loopy while I sewed.
3) When you make the loop with your strap, let the portion connected to the front of the tank be the outer side of the loop.
It helps cover your bra better. I hope these tips make sense or at least the close-up helps.

A couple side notes for those of you who haven't breastfed a baby yet. Side Note #1: There is a huge difference between feeling free to breastfeed uncovered in public and wanting to breastfeed uncovered in public. I want to be covered, COMPLETELY. If you don't care, then that's great for you. Side Note #2: At Target and Walmart you can find inexpensive nursing tanks, but they have shelf bras, and they really don't give that great of support to even my "little ladies". So I can wear those at home, but I'd prefer a real bra when I go out. I also don't want to have layers on layers of clothing on my chest when I am out in the Texas heat so these tanks are great for me!

My next project, naturally, was a nursing cover. I had some from when I nursed Samweli, but they were pretty worn down because I used them for so long. I didn't want to bother with such a large project (it's not advanced sewing or anything, but it was still too big of an undertaking for a mom with a newborn and two-year old) so I decided to use some pacifier clips that I had in a box and some lengths of ribbon to rig up my oversized receiving blankets for when I go out. My receiving blankets were another project from before Cassidy was born. You basically get about a yard or large square of flannel and finish the edges (by either serging or folding the edges over a couple times and top-stitching). Then, voila, you have a receiving blanket that is big enough to swaddle in (as compared to the ones that are just a tad too annoyingly small that you buy from the store - those are good for other uses). It was super simple and although I don't have the awesome boning (the plastic strip that keeps the cover open so you can see down to your baby hands free) I'm very happy with the result I got out of 5 minutes of my time. :)

Samuel wanted one too, so the short one on the top is his. :)

On a real nursing cover, the wavy part between the clips would have the plastic boning.

I don't know if it would be the same for every mama, but I cut an 18" length of ribbon and thread 1 and 1/2" inches through each side. I turned the ribbon twice and sewed it down. This length has worked great for me so far, but I've only done test runs at home with it. If you want to make a real nursing cover, check out this tutorial from Prudent Baby.

Samuel's is shorter, but we've already discovered two great uses for it:

Make-shift Bib (which he's obviously too old for,
can you tell he thinks so too?)

Super-hero Cape (that's an old dish towel)
He likes to play with it this way much better!

And a few more shots of super-hero fun:

Cloth Diapering a Newborn

Over a year before my daughter was born I got a chance to sew a newborn stash for a Mama friend of mine. It was at that moment that I began looking forward to cloth diapering my own newborn. With all the zeal I had for cloth, I encouraged everyone I knew to give it a try, and a few did. Those that I knew didn't follow through - at least for the newborn stage. I had to wonder, why?

Fast forward to now (April 23, 2013 to be exact), to the birth of my beautiful, perfect, precious daughter, Cassidy Ann. A couple of the Mama friends that I helped sew newborn stashes for gifted their own back to me to use for my daughter. I didn't have to make her anything new. (Phew...I have to tell you that as excited as I get about sewing cloth diapers, it's a lot of work for me!) I decided that with all my other special requests at the hospital (re: eye ointment, Vit K, Hep B, and the vernix) that I wouldn't want to look any crazier and ask them to let me only use cloth. The plan was for Cassidy to be in hospital-provided Pampers until we got home. On our first night, I spent 20 minutes trying on different diaper and cover combos, only to finally give up on all the bulk and stick one of those Pampers on her (it's okay, it was leftover from the hospital, haha). This was when I realized the initial challenge that stands up against a new mom when trying to use cloth for such a small babe.

With Samweli being born at 9lbs, 7oz, he was never in newborn diapers. He went straight to size 1. That should tell you how big he was and why I never imagined that 2 tiny pieces of flannel sewn together could possibly look so huge on even the tiniest full-term baby. Day 2 at home brought it's own challenges - like having a big brother around. This made anything that was more than "basic" difficult. Luckily my amazing mom came and picked him up for a while, and I was able to work at re-sorting my stash. Now that I had a little one to size them up to I had a better idea of which ones would work best on her.

Here is a look at what's in my newborn stash:

I chose to do fitteds and covers for the newborn stage. Fitteds are just absorbent fabric so they need the waterproof covers to go over them. Covers don't really need washed unless they get poo on them so I let them air dry above the changing station on my "clothesline" between uses.

I have a variety of fitteds made from free patterns that anyone can access online. Most are just flannel, but in a few of them I included a stay dry layer or used a more absorbent fabric. Here's a breakdown of what I have pictured (there are more of the same kinds of these in the wash):

1. The column on the left are all QSFW (Quick Snap Flat Wrap) with elastic added. 
2. In the center column at the very bottom there are 2- and 4-layer flannel fitteds made with the "Arfy" pattern (I'm not sure that the pattern actually has a name yet, but that's the creator's screen name). 
3. Above those are extra diaper covers that were part of the "baby boy" stash I made. I don't plan to use these as much, but they are all different patterns and may fit better than the ones I have hanging at some point in time. 
4. At the top center is a row of 5 diapers; these are all EZDipes. I used extra absorbent fabrics on these and added a stay dry layer to the camo ones so I can use them at night time without worrying about Cassidy feeling wet if she sleeps a long stretch (which she does, so I'm glad I have them). 
5. The right column (starting at the bottom) are diapers purchased by another Mama second-hand so I have no clue what they are, but they are bulky, and I'm guessing pretty absorbent. I don't really have plans to use these unless I run out of my others. 
6. Above those are the Shar's Newborn Umbilical Scoop Pocket Nappies. I don't like pockets, but had included them in my "baby boy" stash so his Mama could get a feel for that diaper style. I'll use the two camo on top at night also because they have a stay dry layer as well. 
7. Not pictured are my 3 Bumgenius all-in-ones (for the diaper bag) and my wool longies (because they were being worn). BG's are not mama-made, but are easiest for out and about. These are one of the most popular type of diapers due to ease of use, but they're also expensive.

Cassidy in her wool longies. These were also made for the "baby boy" stash, but I'll be using them anyway. 
The greatness of wool deserves a blog post all its own...and one day it may get one. ;)

We've been home for a few days now, and I can't explain how happy I am to be in the swing of things with my cloth diapers (although the Vicodin may be able to vouch for that). We're still pulling out a Pamper here and there, but the majority of the last few days has been cloth. I love everything about my little Cassidy Ann - from her tiny squeals to the poo I get to wipe off her tushie. Love, love, love.

Cloth diapering is really more fun than you can imagine! For links to some of my favorite resources, click here.

Fasting Devotion - Types of Fasts (Day 5)

This is an abbreviated chapter from a book I'm studying out of:  Gordon Lindsay's Prayer & Fasting. Everything in today's devotion comes from him; I'm just putting it in my own words.

There are a few different kinds of fasts in the Bible:

• supernatural fasting
• total fasting,
• what we commonly refer to as the Daniel fast, and
• the non-total fast.

The Supernatural Fast

There are few times that we see God call someone to a supernatural fast - one without food or water, but that is exactly what He called Moses to when he gave the Mosaic covenant to Israel (see Ex. 34:27, 28). Naturally, the body needs food and water to live, so unless divinely inspired and well-practiced in fasting, we should not attempt this for any length of time. Esther fasted food and water for only 3 days before breaking the law and going to the king to plead for her people (Est. 4:16). When Moses left the glory of God after his fast of 40 days and 40 nights, even his face shown a physical glow resulting from having been in the presence of Almighty God (Ex. 34:35). 

The Total Fast

Ordinary fasting excludes any eating but includes drinking water. Our bodies are 80% water, and it is essential to life. This fast must be weaned into and out of. If at the end of the first day, you are too physically weak to function, then you should take a little nourishment. By the second or third day, your body will be more acclimated to not having the food. When ending the fast, you should start with only juices for 2-3 days, followed by a diet of light fruit, and then gradually include heavier foods. If your body is not functioning even enough to pray, then how can you expect spiritual fruit to come from your fast? Do not be condemned if you have to condition your body for the total fast!

"No Pleasant Food":  The Daniel Fast

In Daniel 10:3, the prophet says, "I ate no pleasant food, no meat or wine came into my mouth". He didn't stop eating altogether, but he gave up choice foods. We want to be able to fast and pray effectively so that we experience victory in our fast instead of defeat from a total fast that we are not physically prepared or spiritually mature enough for. 

The Non-Total Fast <---That's a funny name for a fast, but that's what he calls it in the book. :)

For those who can fast totally, God bless them. Many people must still have sustenance to complete their normal daily work though, and a total fast is impossible for them to do - at least at the beginning of their practice of prayer and fasting. Be encouraged that when you come up against battles that can only be won by prayer and fasting, you can do the non-total fast. [I would like to insert here that I believe a non-total fast can include any-thing, but Gordon Lindsay's book still only refers to fasts of food.] The non-total fast is simply drinking juices. They have enough minerals and vitamins to supply the body with some nourishment, but still allow your body to get into the true state of a fast. The juice fast can also be broken in a shorter period of time than a total fast. 

The Key to Fasting:  Prayer

Prayer is the key to fasting - whether you simply "pray without ceasing" or are able to devote greater lengths of time in audible prayer. Gradually the spirit of intercession should become as natural as breathing. Fasting with prayer is the master key to making the impossible possible!

Fasting Devotion - Declaring Your Fast (Day 4)

So many times we can choose to fast and once arriving into the throes of our fasting, get weak. The summer we lived in Brazil, we fasted ALL.THE.TIME. The church we worked with was a fasting and praying church. It's one of the things I remember best about the congregation.

Unfortunately for me, Brazil also has the best smoothies I've ever tasted - rich, "healthy", and best of all you drank them through a straw. Can you see where I'm going yet? Every time we fasted I would wake up thinking, "I'm not going to eat anything until sunset". That was a typical fast for the church. But by the time lunch came around, my stomach was screaming to go to the cafe next door for (are your ready for this?)...a drink. I'm not saying that your fast can't include juices or smoothies, but mine definitely should not have in those days. I was just weak, and my mind started justifying.

We have so many examples in Scripture that encourage us in how to not fall into this temptation though. Look at Jonah 3:7:  the king "issued a proclamation and it said, 'In Nineveh by the decree of the king and his nobles; Do not let man, beast, herd, or flock taste a thing. Do not let them eat or drink water.'" If we declare our fast to God before beginning, I have no doubt that we would be much more successful in seeing it through.

In Brazil, I had simply said "I'm not going to eat." That left a door open for me to fall into temptation. It was better for me to tell God, "Today, I'm not going to have anything but water until sundown." This didn't leave me any wiggle room and when my flesh grew weary, I would have had a more specific word to stand on.

Today, I encourage you that if you've had difficulty keeping to your fast in the past, declare it before you begin it. Give a specific word to God of what you will not have in order to humble yourself before Him - to say that He is more important than whatever you choose to be lacking.

Fasting Devotion - The Question I Hate (Day 2)

"It is not the fasting that changes God's mind, but it is what that fasting demonstrates."
---from Responding to God in Fasting by Tim Temple

Here is the question I hate - "What are you fasting for?"

Every time I hear it, I get the heck confused out of me. Not because I don't understand what they're saying, but because there's a word play on that simple three letter word, "for". I have told a few people:  I'm well-taught in fasting, just not very well-learned. What I mean is that I've received a lot of teaching, read a lot of books, but still have not received that rhema revelation and passion for the practice in my life. Basically, all I'm saying is that even though I understand a lot of aspects of fasting, it's sure easy to get me off-track with it, because there's a disconnect between my head and my heart.

Often times when hearing the question I hate, I (and I believe many in the Church) automatically think of receiving something for what we are doing. What that comes down to is earning it. I'm fasting for an answer to prayer or to see God move. The connotation is that what I'm doing (fasting) earns the result (answered prayer).

Let's look at it from the other direction - the way it's meant to be understood. When hearing the question I hate (what are you fasting for?) and wrapping my head around it before responding in my heart, I can clearly understand that no matter what I do I can't earn anything from God. The nature of God is to give. All our gifts are given freely from Him and I could never do enough to earn them anyway. So, it is still true to say that I'm fasting for an answer to prayer or to see God move, which is exactly what I said in the previous paragraph, it was just in the wrong context.

It may seem to you that I've just talked myself in a circle, and I probably did. But if you're in the same place as me, you'll get what I'm saying. We must pray for a heart-to-head connect. We must pray that what we know in our minds (the logos word of God) would become revelation to our hearts (the rhema word of God). While fasting, our minds can get cloudy. We're not eating, we're probably not sleeping that well, and all our bodies can think about is that which we are lacking. So while I fast, I'm going to make it my purpose to study about it, at least until I really "get it" - until this question doesn't throw me into a tail-spin every time I think about it. I pray that as we meditate on God's Word that revelation would come to our hearts.

***Please forgive me for not including any Scripture references or editing my loads of run-on sentences, but Samweli's already awake and ready to start the rest of his day! Blessings to your family!

Fasting Devotion - Some Basics (Day 1)

From The Nelson Study Bible

fasting - [Heb. trum] [Est. 4:16; 2 Sam. 12:23] Strong's #6684

The Hebrew root word simply means "to abstain from food." At times fasting meant abstaining from:

• drinking, 
• bathing, 
• anointing with oil, or 
• sexual intercourse as well. 

In essence, fasting acknowledges human frailty before God and appeals to His mercy. 

Fasting was a common practice in the ancient world, associated with:

• mourning for the dead (2 Sam. 12:21, 22),
• intercessory prayer (Est. 4:3, 16),
• repentance and contrition for sin (Jer. 36:9; Jon. 3:5),
• and times of distress (Judg. 20:26; Neh. 1:4).

Fasting was required for the Day of Atonement (see the phrase "afflict your souls" in Lev. 16:31). There were also four fast days that commemorated the destruction of Jerusalem by the Babylonians (Zech. 8:19). Fasts varied in length from one day (1 Sam. 14:24; Dan. 6:18) to seven days (1 Sam. 31:13) and could even last up to forty days on extraordinary occasions (Ex. 34:28). The strict fasts lasted from sunset to sunset, whereas the more lenient fasts lasted from sunrise to sunset.

But no matter what type of fasting was performed, the prophet Isaiah admonished his people to participate in acts of righteousness and social justice with their fasting (Is. 58:3-9).

I encourage you to go back through this word study and look up the Scriptures listed. Some of the references would require you to read the context around each verse to receive a full understanding of each meaning.

Allow God to guide you in deciding what to fast, why you are fasting, and for what time.